Salvation
by EI.HA
Summary: a month after the shooting Kate Becket leaves and try to rebuild herself in the only way she knows how. alone. but soon enough she will learn that there are things you can't run from.
1. Chapter 1

**to my fearless beta, thank you! couldn't done it without you babe!**

**and I don't own them. but if I did, I don't share. **

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><p><strong><em>I can follow you to the beginning just to relive the start, maybe then we'll remember to slow down on all of our favorite parts- H. williams<em>**

It's been a month and two days.

One month and two days since she buried her captain, her mentor, her friend.

One month and two days since she was shot in their latest attempt to shut her up, make her abandon her quest for the truth, for justice. Their latest attempt to end this.

It's been one month and two days since she heard those 4 words she probably repeated in her head a million time since. The words which made her heart both fly and sink at the same time.

Exactly one month since she woke up in a hospital bed, the first thing she saw being his beautiful blue eyes, both full of worry and fear.

Twenty nine days since she told Josh she needed a break.

Twenty eight since she told Castle the same.

Exactly twenty days since she packed her things and left them all behind in a purely selfish act, the first and only selfish act she ever allowed herself since her mom died. An act which she hoped will help her rebuild herself in the only way she knew how. Alone.

Twenty days since she saw him, heard his voice, had the privilege to witness his gorgeous boyish innocent smile, the one she suspected he reserved only for her. The one which always made her smile in return even against her better judgment.

They exchanged several short text messages since, but as her heart kept telling her, it wasn't nearly enough.

It's been fourteen days since she decided to come down here with nothing but a pair of jeans, a shirt and his book, their book.

It's been 5 seconds since she last thought about him, the longest time since she can remember. Usually he never leaves.

Its twenty four hours before she has to go back, face them, face him, and honestly, she has no idea how the hell she's going to do that.

It's all just a big ugly mess. She got used to the pain before, she was certain she can do it again. Only, since she met him, her life took a surprising turn for the better and now all that progress has just gone down the drain and she feels so lost with no hope of ever finding her way back.

It's like he spoiled her, made her get used to being happy so now she's forgotten how to deal with the pain.

She spent the first two days of her leave crouching by her mother's grave looking for answers, trying to make sense of it all, looking for the silver lining but she couldn't find one. There wasn't one to be found.

It was a mess.

After that she simply needed to get out of the city that reminded her so much of all that she had lost. She got on her bike and rode for hours with no clear destination, stopping only for a few hours of restless sleep in a crappy motel, and then to repeat the same action the next day.

After a few days on the road she grew tired of the traveling and decided to stay in her next stop. Driving didn't provide the escape she so desperately longed for. Her thoughts kept spinning in frightening speed so, really, what was the point?

And that is where she is now, in a small bed and breakfast inn, looking out the window on the dark night, lost once again in her thoughts.

She spent most of the time locked in her room, unable to face the world behind those thin walls. The sun was too bright, the sky painfully too blue. The world kept spinning unaware to the pain it inflicted, life kept on going but she couldn't. Not yet.

At first she maintained her pointless struggle to keep him out of her mind, desperately searching for any cheap distraction she can find. After hours of flicking through countless TV channel with nothing to satisfy her tired mind she finally gave up. There is no use in pretending she didn't miss him. That he didn't matter. Because he does. More than he'll ever know probably.

She will never admit it but she spent a fair amount of time each night going through his fan page, searching, craving every piece of information she can find about him, about his life and what he's been doing since she left.

She expected him to act out, go back to his bad boy days, the wild parties and women. She was only partly surprised to learn he decided to take on a short promoting tour for his new book. It wasn't unexpected that he, like her, would choose to escape the haunting memories that their city stirred.

In a way, his absence has only encouraged her reluctance to return to the empty city that deprived her of him.

But his tour is ending tomorrow with a great finale in a shape of "meet and greet" session in his hometown. Their town.

So she decided to go back as well. To be fair, she wasn't sure where they stood, where she wanted them to stand or even what she was going to say to him when they finally saw each other again. She only knew it was time.

She turned away from the window with a heavy sigh and lay on the bed pointlessly staring at the ceiling.

Tomorrow. She glanced at the clock that despite her silence plea refused to move any faster.

Less than 24 hours now. 1440 minutes. 86400 seconds. She can do it. She can… Can't she?


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, I guess you know you are obsessed when every song you hear reminds you of some aspects of our favorite detective and writer relationship. And there are so many of them it's ridiculous!**

**thanks again to my grumpy beta. and you say Aussie's are nice. :)**

**I Don't own them, but I do want them!**

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><p>"<em><strong>Even now when we already over, I can't help myself from looking for you…." Adele. <strong>_

He was a wreck, shattered into thousands of tiny little pieces and as hard as he tried, he honestly couldn't remember the last time he felt this bad.

Every part of his body hurt and the worst part of it was that the cure to his horrible condition was nowhere to be found.

It's been days since he saw her, heard her mesmerizing voice, even longer since the last time he saw her smile that dazzling smile of hers. The one that lighten up her entire face and left him utterly breathless. The same one he had sworn to spend the rest of his life trying to bring to her face.

And he tried, he really did. In those dark days in the hospital that's all he been trying to do. But it wasn't enough. _He_ wasn't enough.

He had failed her and himself once again, and all he could pray for was one more chance, one more shot at trying to make her smile. Nothing more. He couldn't even think, hope for anything beyond that. Just to see her smile.

It seemed like life refused to give them a break. Every time they managed to overcome an obstacle, there was another one waiting for them just around the corner, lurking in the shadows, waiting for its chance to bring them down.

He had never really had a chance to ponder much of all they've been through in the past months. There was always something new, another case, another challenge, another life threatening event and he needed to be strong for her, keep her safe, keep her happy.

They never talked about any of it, it wasn't who they were. Well, it wasn't who she was. But even if they were, it felt like there was never time for it. So he let it go, let the moment pass. There would be another time. A better time. Only he never thought that time would run out. There were a limited amount of chances a man can get, and he blew them all.

As long as she was near, he could deal with not dealing with it. But now she was gone and the light left with her, leaving him with darkness and endless time to analyze everything to thin dust.

Passing through the events in his mind he could feel it all over again.

The heat radiating from her apartment as it blew up. The cold metal of the gun pressed to his head, the tight ropes bounding him to the chair while he waited for Tyson to take his shot. The freezing cold that seemed to crawl to his core while he held her body close to his, trying to pass her what little warmth was left in him.

The rush of adrenaline, his heart racing as they stood in front of the bomb counting down the second, saying with their eyes the words they had never said aloud. And then the final nail to his crumbling heart, watching her tumble to the ground, her eyes burning with shock, and pain, and emotions he couldn't understand in his dulled state, only seeing her white glove covered with blood. Her blood.

Each memory was another ton of concrete crushing his heart until finally he found it hard to breathe. He really needed to stop doing this to himself.

When she told him she needed a break he was devastated but hopeful.

A break means they have something she needs a break from, a break is a temporary condition, it has a beginning and an end.

At first he thought she just needed a couple of days to mourn, and cry, and recuperate by herself. She's too damn proud to allow him to see her like that, let him support her like he wanted too. Like he promised he would. Always.

He didn't believe she'd be able to stay away longer than that. Not from her job, not from her friends, not from him. He was climbing the walls an hour after her departure. Two days? No. she won't manage it.

But then two days turned to three, then four and five and he started to panic.

He was scared she wouldn't come back. He was selfishly scared she would manage to overcome her distress by herself and realize she doesn't need him.

Scared she will finally realize the truth, that it was all entirely his fault and resent him for it.

And it was. He knew it was.

He hated himself for reopening her mother's case in a childish act to prove himself to her.

Hated he was so damn naive to believe they could solve it together, that if he was there, she wouldn't fall back down the rabbit hole.

Hated himself for not being a better man, a smarter man for her, for not discovering Roy was the third man sooner, for not being able to prevent his death, for not being able to take the bullet for her.

So much hate. And he wasn't sure he deserved redemption.

Not for the first time in that past week, he thought that maybe she was right. Maybe she was better off without him. Being the funniest kid in school wasn't enough for her any more, but what else could he be?

He played with the idea of asking the guys to track her phone, just so they'll know she's all right but he wasn't sure he could handle if they refuse.

Wasn't sure if he could handle if they do agree. Wasn't sure he'd be able to stop himself from storming over there and banging on her door until she agrees to come back home.

So eventually he decided he needs to get out, get away from the city, away from the haunting memories and the guilt, the pain, and the excruciating longing.

Gina was, of course, more than thrilled to arrange a promotional tour for the book, but soon it turned to frustration when he refused to leave for more than two weeks. He couldn't bear the thought of not being there when she eventually returned.

_If_ she'll return. No, when. Definitely _when_.

Like everything else in his life since he met his detective, planning the tour only provided temporary distraction. She was never far enough from his thoughts. All he needed to do was close his eyes and she was there.

By the end of the first day, he realized that going on tour was probably the stupidest idea he ever had. Promoting a book that was written about her, talking about it countless time a day, about his work at the 12th, about his "inspiration" as a strategy to distract him was plain dumb.

Each time he opened the book to sign it, his dedication mocked him from the white page like an endless torture, reminding him both of promise and disappointment.

He looked for her in every book store, his eyes scanning the line of people hoping to recognize her familiar face amongst the sea of people.

But he never did. She was never there. Finally he stopped looking. She wasn't coming. She had enough. They were over.

Tomorrow was the last day of the tour. He was going home. Though he didn't know what was going to happen once he got there, he knew it was time, and that he had enough.

Enough of running, enough of hiding, enough of the guilt trip and the pain.

Alexis was leaving for college soon and he needed to focus on her.

She had been beyond amazing through all this, giving him time to grieve and find his way back on his own.

She deserved better than this, she deserved her dad and not this ragged person who formerly was the great Richard Castle.

So no more running around NY city streets chasing criminals, no more missing breakfast because of a dead body, no more missing good night kisses for theory building over take-out. No more any of that.

From now on, he would put all of his time in his daughter. At least she let him be there for her. She doesn't push him away. She cared about his feelings, about his needs.

Yeah, he will devote himself to Alexis. That's a good plan. A solid plan. Nothing can go wrong with that. He had done it all her life.

He screwed up Kate's life enough. It's time to let her move on, even if it kills him.


	3. Chapter 3

"_I gave you the space so you could breathe, I've kept my distance so you would be free._

_And hope that you find the missing piece to bring you back to me" -Adele__._

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><p>She remembers jumping out of bed to the sound of her alarm clock.<p>

She can even remember the stab of pain that burned her muscles from her stupidly rushed movement.

She vaguely remembers it was so bad she considered taking painkillers but quickly deciding against it, needing to keep a clear mind for the things to come.

But the rest was a foggy blur of mixed memories.

It had happened to her before, whenever she got lost in her own head, consumed by her thoughts and feelings, her mind switched to autopilot, performing the

mundane tasks, leaving the rest of her free to reflect on the issue in hand.

Her mind was racing as fast as the landscape flashing past her eyes as she rode back to the city she escaped only weeks ago, trying to determine her next step in this

atrocious mess she now calls her life.

She wasn't at all surprised to find herself less than an hour later parked outside the book store. It was only fair that her subconscious mind would take her to him.

She was, however, surprised that she didn't seem to feel guilty about not needing to see Josh, or even her father, first.

She spent the last two weeks building a firm and solid plan to regain control on her life. She refused to let that broken girl she had seen in the mirror the night she

decided to leave take up permanent residency in her body.

She had a plan, and the first step was to salvage whatever that remained of her relationship with Castle.

She knew with a certainty she never knew before, that once she had her writer back the rest will be easy to achieve.

The down side was that she wasn't as certain as to how she's actually going to do that or what it is she wants from him, from them.

She asked him once not so long ago "_what are we_", and she's been asking herself that question more and more these days. She still doesn't know the answer and if

there is one thing Kate Beckett hates more than anything is an open question.

Yet she didn't know what they are, she just knew she needed to see him.

Baby steps.

And the first one requires her to step down from her bike, walk through those glass doors, stroll past the book shelves and…. well, she'll have to figure that part when  
>she gets there.<p>

She absently stared at the glass doors as if waiting for a reason, any reason to get up when she caught a glimpse of Paula disappearing behind a book shelf.

Her heart skipped a bit and her whole body tensed just at the mere chance she might see him pass the same way.

Her palms were sweaty and she unconsciously held her breath as her eyes began to scan the windows looking for his tall frame.

A minute past and by the second she felt ridiculous. She hasn't seen him yet and she already started to lose it.

She averted her gaze to the line of people, her mind drifting to different time when she waited in a similar line to see the very same man.

So many things had happened since then it almost feel foreign, like someone else's memory rather her own.

For a moment she got lost in her own thoughts again but when her mind registered a movement in the line, her body finally kicked into action forcing her to join the line before it was too late. She couldn't miss her chance.

There were too many missed opportunities in their story and to be honest she wasn't sure how many more they could stand before they finally break.

As she waited for her turn to walk through the glass doors, she had a chance to study the line of people around her. Mostly women. Mostly young. Mostly blonde.

She was once again surprised that she didn't find it in herself to be bothered by it any more.

It used to. Before.

Before she got to know the real Castle, before she realized he had just as many layers and masks as she does, before she trusted him with her life but only after she trusted him with her heart.

She knew he had a public image that he nurtured to protect himself, to keep the rest of the world outside the privacy of his walls, and she liked that she was one of the few who could see it.

The one who got the privilege to see his pure heart and sensitive soul and be on the receiving end of his endless, unlimited affection and care.

She was a lucky woman, she knows that now. So no, she couldn't care less about the long line of women, mostly young, mostly blonde who waited for their chance to charm a white whale because maybe they all waited to see a man, but it was most definitely not the same man that she saw.

It wasn't long before it was her turn to feel the cold breath of the air conditioner as she stepped in the store.

The cold air did nothing to ease her nerves or slow her frantic heart beat.

She was still far, too far to be able to see him but she was closing in and the feelings she suppressed in the last two weeks surfaced back with a vengeance.

She grabbed the new Heat book from a nearby desk, fighting the urge to flip the book and look at his charming face smiling back at her.

She wanted to see the real smile, the one he saved just for her when she finally saw him. She had waited too long to compromise on anything less than that.

So instead she took another step closer in her journey to him and opened the book.

What turned out to be a mistake.

One word. How can one word say so much and yet not nearly enough.

She slowly moved her fingers across the printed word, caressing it just as the word caressed her heart.

It was in this point that she really started to lose her patience. She gave one last look to the dedication and closed the book, determined to find the way to fix this.

And it was with her next step that her heart stopped. Literally. It was for a split second, hardly noticeable but still, it stopped.

It took every bit of her will power to stop her body from running straight to him, rationalizing herself that it will draw too much attention and the last thing she need is a page 6 article that involved her and Castle.

So instead she took a deep breath and studied him like the detective she was.

The first thing she noticed is that he looked tired and even though his body was hidden mostly behind a desk she was almost certain he had lost weight.

It's been a while since she last felt it and she almost missed it completely but she realized the knot in her stomach was the connection, this awareness that made her sense when he's around and she was almost hurt that he didn't seem to feel it too.

But then she looked, really looked at him and she could see how terribly wrong she was. She _was_ waiting in line to see a man, but he wasn't the man she was looking for. Hoping for. Craving for.

He hardly raised his head from the table, giving a weak fake smile to the next fan that stood in front of him.

His eyes were missing the warmth she used to see in them. They were lacking the rare, unique, endearing, childish excitement that makes him, Castle.

As she stepped closer to claim her spot in front of his desk, she swore once again she was going to fix this and then spend the rest of her life making sure he will never,  
>ever lose the spark from his eyes again.<p>

As she rested the book in front of him she held her breath prepared for the inevitable moment when he'll raise his head to look at her and she will see at close range

the damage she had caused. It was only when she drew her hand back, she realized she was shaking.

But it never came. He never raised his head. Just opened the book and asked in a low voice who he should dedicate it to.

For a moment she lost her voice, the lump in her throat keeping the words from escaping. She wasn't sure what the right answer to this question is.

She could say Nikki but it was too cheesy, she didn't feel much like Beckett at the moment. She wasn't sure if they were still partners let alone friends.

She was left with one thing, the only thing she can offer him.

"_Kate. Dedicate it to Kate"._

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><p><strong>I don't usually fish for reviews but I really struggled with this one and any feedback good or bad is appreciated.<strong>

**one last thanks to my fearless beta. your old but I still love you :)**


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